The Vulnerability of Hope

How do you surrender and trust your intuition when there is no physical proof that you are on the right path.

Sometimes I think I’ve gone off road into the weeds.

Sometimes I know I question my own intuition.

But this time the vulnerability of hope took me for a ride.

Having hope made me embarrassed.

That I got excited, that I believed.

So, I’d decided hope is not my friend. Hope got me hurt.

See I’ve been so frustrated, embarrassed and disappointed that I’ve actually been trying to eradicate, and crush hope it so it would not bring me any more pain.

So I’m reevaluating it currently...

I started this whole journey with the desire to find and understand vulnerability. To try and be open and vulnerable with other people. To allow other people to be vulnerable with me.

But also to allow me to be vulnerable with myself. This has been the most challenging.

I told you that I’ve caught myself lying to me last month…and now to be vulnerable to my path, my purpose/ the dream of becoming a healer well it’s just too damn much.

Self-abandonment is something I’ve really had to get an understanding of and here I stand, considering abandoning the dream I’ve had for the last 3 years because the vulnerability of hope (and maybe patience) is just too hard.

And I am tired.

I found myself sitting in my closet the other night, lost in my journals from the past 7 years, and wondering will I look back 5 years from now and think what a dumbass or will I be reveling on how much of a badass I have become…because some days I think there is a fine line.

I lived so much of my life by logic and how the world tells us we should until seven years ago when I made decisions and changes that threw most of that out the window.

I made the vow to live with openness, vulnerability and INTUITION and to find myself-reclaim self-love, understanding, and autocorrect to get it right this time.

I’d moved past the failure of my marriage and into the magical world of mediation, energy healing and living a life using intuition.

I’m still embarrassed to fail and I’m struggling to be my own cheerleader right now.

Am I in a lesson or a dark night of the soul?

As I’ve sat with what in the world on going on with me, my thoughts, my attitude and understanding that “mad about everything” was actually my processing embarrassment of how things were going and my refusal to be vulnerable to hope, that this period was serving a purpose.

One of those learnings, I don’t believe that I deserved to be cared for. Including by the universe and source?

Awwh-hah! One of the reasons I don’t like asking for help or burdening others with what I have going on. And yet I’ve been observing other people being cared for, been curious about it. Yet when the opportunity would arise to be cared for, I’d find a way to avoid being cared for. Of course, I’ve been working to release the belief that I don’t deserve to be cared for and now have the awareness that I also have to allow someone to be closer to be able to get what it is that I truly desire, being cared for.

As I circle back to the vulnerability of hope within my path…opening up to hoping once again, open to being cared for and supported by the universe and close friends, trying to be more comfortable with the possibility of failure but the thrill of success and remembering that finding my own light is how this all began and helping others find their light is my purpose.

Beliefs, thoughts, old stories, the fear of success, or old wounds.

What are you ready to let go of to really be free and fly?

Find Me at: https://www.findingyourlighthealing.com/